January 2022


@January 31, 2022

@January 31, 2022 5:42 PM (CDT)

  • I want to design adventure experiences for people of the city, getaways to interesting parts of the country. Like Chile or Glamping but even more theme based

@January 31, 2022 1:46 PM (CDT)

  • you and you alone change your view on something. It may be motivated by an outside source — (like joojo in the story salon) — but you are the prime mover. You change your opinion. You did it. Own that.

@January 31, 2022 12:45 PM (CDT)

  • I stood up from my computer chair in Minnesota, walked onto a plane, sat down in a computer chair in Mexico.

@January 31, 2022 12:45 PM (CDT)

  • learning dance from someone who doesn’t speak your language. Singing. Sound effects. Physical mimicking

@January 31, 2022 11:47 AM (CDT)

  • “I loved it” is surface level. What’s the perspective underneath it?

@January 31, 2022 10:59 AM (CDT)

  • Too often we rush stories to tell the beats, the big data points. I dropped out of university to play poker for a living. Then four years later the US rescrited online poker, so I went back to university. Then when I graduated, I realized I didn’t want a 9 to 5 job and I returned to poker. Instead pause, ... , what perspective changed? is a great example.
    • University, parents didn’t train me for education, ill-prepared failing, focused on hustle of golf and poker and gaming. I’m out.
    • Poker, I’m conservative and playing poker was a leap, and I felt it. I wanted more security. One morning, I woke up to a message from DOJ, funds seized. Applied to university the next day.
    • After graduating, one interview, polo and khakis. I’m out. Mexico I come.
    • With each bullet point, if you just put a perspective on it, it becomes far more interesting.

@January 31, 2022 10:47 AM (CDT)

@January 31, 2022 10:12 AM (CDT)

  • How many of us actually experiment with the vast possibilities in life to discover what really resonates with you? Music, movies, books, hobbies, people

@January 31, 2022 9:53 AM (CDT)

  • I want to live in a small town and get in a feud with someone to the point that we only communicate Through letters to the local newspaper

@January 30, 2022

@January 30, 2022 4:06 PM (CDT)

  • In the squat rack mirror you can see the evil inside your eyes if you look for it

@January 30, 2022 12:12 PM (CDT)

  • Ever since Joojo’s story salon, my perspective on story telling has shifted. I knew a story described a change in worldview, but I didn’t have the language to make that, “a forum of action”, I didn’t have the language to make visual in my mind. Joojo’s exercise to place yourself in someone else’s shoes and retell a story or more important for my mind, place yourself in your younger self’s shoes and describe a change in perspectives. This word perspective is important. A perspective is a worldview, but that word is much more real to me. I feel the consequence of a certain perspective and I can imagine how a perspective would change over time. I now put myself in someone’s shoes and I change the way they see the world — be that a situation, behavior, idea, person, themselves.

@January 30, 2022 9:30 AM (CDT)

  • Thanks for the company y’all. Not many people can get me away from my afternoon writing but I’m happy youse did

@January 30, 2022 9:16 AM (CDT)

  • A dream: I was deconstructing a tower that rose above the ocean. Each piece I removed I tied around my waist. The metal plates began to get heavy and I feared prematurely falling into the sea. I needed my vest perfectly tied and the plates perfectly placed before I let go. I clung on waiting for it to be perfect for so long that the tower transformed into a yoga mat, like my spine suddenly tapping out, we fell to the ocean together. I landed on the mat, dazed, Kyle Brandon pulls me in a life raft. He asks, are you okay, give me a sign. I knew I was but it was easier to be in the daze. I knew I couldn’t came alive but the daze controlled me. I remember even walking an attractive woman, knowing I could approach her but my daze prevented that from happening. What snapped me out wasn’t the woman nor my friend not me saying someone about myself, it was the pragmatic detail, hey I see the yoga mat floating, let’s scoop that up.

@January 29, 2022

  • Date with Tova. I felt discomfort many times. While in the yoga studio waiting for her. After learning her friends were coming. While drinking coffee instead of beer with her friends. When I feel discomfort I get quiet, don’t move, definitely don’t speak up. A lot of this discomfort is emotions being evoked. Learned her friends coming, my expectations broken, maybe a little angry too. Shame for my discomfort and not speaking up. Shame for drinking coffee.

@January 29, 2022 12:00 PM (CDT)

  • Marnie staying to do yoga with me.

@January 29, 2022 10:28 PM (CDT)

  • The decision doesn’t matter. Fuxking flip a coin. Life goes on. Just don’t live in the unknown, where you’re undecided until time decides for you. That’s hell

@January 29, 2022 1:22 PM (CDT)

  • Ownership of your life happens when you accept that you’re an evil beast with a dark side

@January 29, 2022 11:53 AM (CDT)

  • That moment you dodge one dog poop to step in another

@January 29, 2022 11:12 AM (CDT)

  • Rock-paper-sisscors GTO. Explain a poker. But in poker, say you are dealt AA preflop. You can fold, call, bet. GTO solution would be never fold, call 0.001%, bet .999%. You make money from recs because they will fold and call.
    Poker Player

@January 29, 2022 11:05 AM (CDT)

  • Marlon Brando lighting cigarettes in A Street Car Named Desire

@January 29, 2022 10:34 AM (CDT)

  • I’m grabbing coffee with a yoga instructor. It isn’t clearly a date. I don’t like that. This same behavior, no clear definitions, caused issues between Cata and I. I want to make it clear that I’m in pursuit.

@January 29, 2022 10:26 AM (CDT)

  • I begin essays often in this intellectual way. “The purpose of texting depends on the situation. I used to think texting is strictly pragmatic. Then after meeting a woman who was super good at texting, she opened me up to new possibilities. Now I text informally.” This approach is mental. Instead, imagine perspectives, ways of viewing the world. [this gets into the why] Previously all my time and energy focused on poker, I didn’t have time to text. So texting to me was a means to communication information. Anything outside of that, we call or meet in person. Until... I moved back to Minnesota, had ALL the time in the world during a pandemic and locked in a studio apartment alone. In these new waters, I got called out for my pragmatic way of speaking.

@January 29, 2022 9:02 AM (CDT)

  • The under a year, I went from living out of a backpack to filling up a moving truck with only clothes

@January 29, 2022 8:49 AM (CDT)

  • I swear if Tova makes me do ab work, I’m going to eat a dozen tacos afterwards

@January 29, 2022 8:38 AM (CDT)

  • Jordan Peterson said when someone improves in therapy, a force within them will push back harder than ever. Is it the same with the body, my posture is improving which is putting more weight on my feet and legs and so now they are fighting back by flaring up. The energy hasn’t freed just yet

@January 29, 2022 8:14 AM (CDT)

  • Ever since starting jujitsu arthritis has flared up in my fingers and my big toe

@January 29, 2022 8:09 AM (CDT)

  • Two skills for 2022, (1) having an impact on my writer friends. Those in a good place in life have an impact. And you don’t need to wait to try. (2) write and write and write, don’t limit it to a block of time. Grab your phone and write. Write in tiny blocks of time. Learn to enjoy writing on your phone.

@January 28, 2022

Jujitsu teacher a tree

  • Jujitsu, rolling with the teacher, unable to move him. I lunge for a leg sweep and he doesn’t move, instead my hip pops. I couldn’t move a muscle of his.
    • Ice bath curing the tweaked hip

@January 28, 2022 6:10 PM (CDT)

Surround yourself with people to emulate.

@January 26, 2022

  • Poker Story, who do I hate. X, the man who broke all the agreed upon professional guidelines.
    • meta: it seems interesting stories all have a hint of darkness to them, a hint of when we’re at our worst.
  • Seeing JBP with Beau. Beau expecting a meet and greet. Making me sit in discomfort.
  • Beau misinterrupting my text about 7/10 people think he’s a douchebag. (and never saying anything, never reality checking)
  • Beau not accepting compliments. Making me take ownership over what I’ve accomplished.

@January 26, 2022 12:52 PM (CDT)

What if you don’t connect to others by “being more vulnerable” whatever the fuck that means, but by sharing darkness and discomfort with others.


@January 26, 2022 11:15 AM (CDT)

Stories come out of darkness. It’s situations where we’re left to a moral decision.

@January 26, 2022 11:11 AM (CDT)

There’s a vast difference in basketball pick-up games back here in the US and back in Mexico. Pick-up basketball games in the US are structured, with a signup list that randomizes teams for you. Mexico, it’s dog eat dog. You fight for your way into a game. Many players get left out. Many players get unfairly replaced. In Mexico it’s the real world.

Mexico Challenges your character as a human. LA Fitness basketball does not.

@January 26, 2022 11:10 AM (CDT)

Rats know how to play more fairly than most humans.

@January 25, 2022

  • I returned to the gym. The desk was super friendly. It’s nice being around inspiring people.

@January 23, 2022

  • I woke up 7am telling myself I’ll go to the gym but I’ll do TAXES to avoid going to equinox for the first day. (Lacking gym clothes, lacking workout style. Needing to ask about proated membership. All these blocking me from going)

@January 22, 2022

Night at Bethel

  • Lorri inviting me to church, Bethel Austin. A feeling changed towards her, after I saw her sit next to a large African woman, rubbing her shoulder with her finger tips, rubbing them along her large yellow knitted sweater.
  • At Bethel Austin, people holding their hands out, opening their chest.
  • At Bethel Austin, I bared 3 hours, my feet in the exact same footprints on the carpet. a certain anxiety of the social situation, avoidance to just let go and let the body move.
  • At Bethel Austin, critical of Dante, his rigidness and self-conscious movements. I’m critical because within me I fear and haven’t accepted and integrated. But this self-conscious behavior is a virtue. I’m hyper aware of my actions. How can I use that as a skill to help the world? How is that part of my story? Who I am. ACT CRAZY, you don’t have to worry about the consequences because you’ll be aware of yourself! Say hi to others, you don’t have to worry about the consequences because you’ll be aware of yourself!
  • “Can you spare any change?” “No” “Me neither”

@January 22, 2022 10:52 AM (CDT)

  • Discovered something new about myself, or rather remembered it. I speak Spanish. Pride. (after accidentally writing en instead of in

@January 20, 2022

Marnie thanking me for asking for film

  • Connecting with Marnie in texts over foreign films, over me asking, “I’m lookin for a good cry. What movies do you recommend?” Her thanks me for asking then watching Amores Perros. Us connecting over the heartbreaking scenes.

@January 19, 2022

@January 19, 2022 9:16 AM (CDT)

  • Noticed I felt Pity for Cata. I don’t want to feel pity. I wrote fiction to find my empathy for her.
    • Had a call with Cata at 8:30. She “double booked”, had a lesson at 9:00. I noticed crumbs, she offers the last of her attention. Instead of noticing she double books and writing, ohhh no, I double booked, omg, I feel horrible - she tries to make it work, calls me, doing dishes or something in the background. Again, bottom barrel scraps. She says she has time 4-6pm. What works for me?

@January 18, 2022

  • A constructive part of me wants to message Tova. The deconstructive part jumps in a prevents me from achieving my goals. Same with Sonia and seeing her at class.

@January 17, 2022

  • the lesson to TAP early! Daniel had me in a move that I wasn’t escaping. Just tap. It’s a workout and training, not actual war. Don’t get hurt, your goals will suffer. (Drowning in regret)
  • BJJ 4 of the five rounds. Never. So. Tired. Before. Driving, pulling onto the road, like a movie dream where everything is slow and BANG.
  • BJJ Athlete. No idea what I’m doing wrestling but I’m an athlete and people noticed.

@January 16, 2022

Lorri and I giggling over Cal’s words

  • At semi-private salsa, I see myself in the mirror and feeling my story, rather than what I’m doing. I see what I have to offer, my desires, what I’m doing. Then this bleeding into being playful with Lorri! imaginative! That’s a virtue of mine. Specifically, Lorri and I giggling like kids in a classroom about Cal’s use of specific body words, metacarpals, thoracic extension; connecting eyes every time to says one.

@January 14, 2022

Sonya in a band

  • me learning Sonya, this woman who I get signals from, is in a band, and suddenly I want to take her to dinner. (”falling in love” type of story. strange how I don’t look for this information THEN decide whether I want to pursue or not)
  • @January 14, 2022 7:55 PM (CDT) feeling hidden anxiety? “escalating loss of control” Here’s a chain of failures. Cata no longer in my life. Niel not responding, making me feel oddly hurt and shameful about leaving Anel. I miss Anel. Ameila in relationship. Tova I never asked to coffee, just let it fade out. I had potential plans to see Sonya perform tonight, going with Vic and Nate, but I never heard back from Vic. I feel alone and lonely. And although I didn’t label it anxiety until I read Brene Brown, I feel anxious. Coping by advoiding. advoiding life and work and fun. I want tomorrow. The resulting behavior: me searching for answers, me unable to focus on anything, me in my head.
  • Massage, heart opening. My masseuse tried a varity of ways to attack my muscle. His goal was to get me to relax, relax something in me. Laying on my chest, he started shaking me and I felt my chest release and I sunk down into the table.
    • this seemed to carry through my days, open to new experiences. choosing new paths. saying yes.

@January 13, 2022

Wrestling with a woman and losing, sort of giving up, being super self-conscious about people watching our struggle. “We don’t know what we’re doing. This is never going to end.”

@January 11, 2022

Relapsed on Peanut butter.

  • relationship to yoga changed. Level 1 Yoga, get more flexible. Next level Yoga, strength building. Move your body with engaged softness. It’s a presence as you move through space. Nikita said, your strongest points are the start and the end of the posture.

@January 10, 2022

BJJ first day

  • BJJ: it’s real combat. Shoving forearms to the chin, pushing him away any way possible. Head to the croch. Being a dummy for another student to bend at his pleasure. Left clothes sooo stinky, skin stinky, face stinky - I loved it. Tiny alise surround mat, squeezing by others. Grounding - my purpose. The dude lingering on top of me after the timer.
    • NO PREP. Just thrown in.
    • Afterwards felt relief. Relief from feeling lonely.

@January 9, 2022

@January 9, 2022 8:55 AM (CDT)

Every time the shower head water gargles, I stand back and await blood to pour out.

@January 8, 2022

  • I tweeted a 300 word flash fiction piece. People loved it. I created an environment for people to get lost in. That’s what people need on twitter. It’s similar to the taragrade. Mindless scrolling until you enter a new space. I was surprised to see such a strong reaction from people. I realized in flash fiction there doesn’t need to be a message. It’s more about the emotions and questions and the world. It’s a break from life.
  • My position changed on writing flash fiction. I really want to now. (1) it’s a great source of practice. go play in your imagination. (2) it’s my service to the cohort based people. They want breaks from the same shit repeatedly on twitter. I’ll be that break.

@January 7, 2022

the nice moment of Alex and I taking anger out into the punching bag

  • Meeting Alex, at Vic’s birthday. I woke up drowning in regret and guilt. My weak moral boundaries and lines. Being bent by woman so easily. Cata could tell me anything and I would do it. Anything for love. I decided I must strengthen this part of me. I signed up for ju jistu.

@January 6, 2022

  • Harry Mack freestyle with the guy who lost his fiance. The guy was on omegal, clearly having a down day, drinking, saying many people calling him fat. Until Harry first shows up and brightens his mood with a yoga rap. Then does a love ballad about the guy’s deceased wife. It changed my view on what is possible to give to strangers. I want to get to this place with dance. Able to help people who feel lonely, feel connected. I’ve experienced this in a glimmer. Watching him, I entered a place of this is beyond me.
  • Beau/Virtues — I’ve always sought connection. I think of at Mankato state and Tyron thanking me for just seeing him for him. I think of Sean Ryan making me an usher at his wedding, This is a virtue I must cultivate. Dani and her body. Anel and the infection. Anel and I at the beach with that family. Alwayswin, poker player.

@January 5, 2022

@January 5, 2022 11:38 AM (CDT)

Memory: My dad wanted to see where I stayed with my mom. We drove by the house. Suddenly Robert is trailing us, dangerously close and like a lunatic, flicking my dad off.

@January 5, 2022 8:42 AM (CDT)

PARA alteration: goals are fundamental. Tasks are fundamental. Projects, not.

@January 4, 2022

@January 4, 2022 10:54 PM (CDT)

pay attention to word choice. I used destructive which I normally dont use to describe cata and I. These abnoirmal word choices are a signal to something.

@January 3, 2022

@January 3, 2022 8:16 PM (CDT)

By writing about our life, we define our story. What qualities and experiences do we want to highlight?

@January 2, 2022

Denise (airbnb host, glamping) describing how she and her husband squatted on this property before moving here. Drinking a beer on the porch.

@January 1, 2022

New path chosen: Spontaneously (expensive) trip to the countryside. SO many moments, 📸  , of joy. Not feeling alone with the cracking trees.

The power of a reset, change of environment. MY life forever changed from that trip.