May 2022

Read asked me to check in with him as he weans off pills. He looks up to me and trusts me. He’s in a dark place — no job, recently broken off marriage, 6 yo child on the other side of the country, and a pill addiction — 3 different types of pills. What does it look like to support him?

@May 29, 2022 3:44 PM (CDT)

hey internet, will crocs cure my plantar fasciitis?

@May 29, 2022 2:50 PM (CDT)

someday I’ll begin to record myself on video. I will vary my appearance depending on how polished an idea is. a first draft spoken, my hair will be sticking left and right or still wet from my shower and I’ll be in a tank top or smth or nothing — naked like Adam and Eve after becoming the apple of knowledge. Other times, hair slicked back and in a suit. Other times, I’ll read a polished story on camera, and I’ll dress the part, like wearing a cardigan by flickering fire.
(camera quality too… first draft on a webcam from Y2K. )

@May 29, 2022 2:45 PM (CDT)

Common wisdom in online writing is pump out as many essays as you can — publish before it’s you’re ready. It’s great advice if you have imposter syndrome or perfectionism. Publishing often is important. (Secondly, unrelated to my point, it’s great for getting feedback.) But if you have no problem publishing, I challenge you to take one of your best ideas and spend a month writing your best essay. I know many writers who are full of ideas and are able to write them at over 50 words per minute. But after the idea is on the page, they are bored and are onto the next idea which will bore them. My current essay is only 1300 words long, but I’ve clocked 40 hours of writing. The structure and events within the essay are finalized. I’m at a stage of play. I’m free to play with voice and prose. I practice writing technique, such as writing observations like DFW. And each draft the prose comes alive. P.S. Also when as I’ve sat with this essay for month, I talk about it all the time with friends and strangers. I retell the story and watch reactions.)

Here’s how this looks in a gDoc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15-YprfbPtlKx2uKKyILfLxRszaVsasi1LgwpBbLHwVk/edit#

@May 29, 2022 12:14 PM (CDT)

last night I told Marine the story of me at a dinner table while Stepdad and my mom reminisced about the first time they met. Marine says, “I would have asked, how did you feel doing that knowing she was married?” It’s a dagger of a question. One that I truly want to know. Yet how could I possible ask that? What would that look like to completely disrupt the fine lunch with my step-family?

@May 29, 2022 12:00 PM (CDT)

movie climaxes are events that make the protagonist feel something they’ve been too in their head to feel. Example: Tom Cruise in Rain Man feeling brotherly love for Raymond after he saves his life

@May 29, 2022 11:50 AM (CDT)

I judge, I think you’re ugly, I snicker at you trying to look good, I know you’re not good enough for me — I’m worthless. What? I’m not worthless. You’’re the ugly one! DONT FUCKINBG LOOK AT ME. YOURE THE UGLY ONE I SAID. YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU ARE. ASDLKHNASLSIFHASFKLANSF

@May 29, 2022 11:46 AM (CDT)

I hate when newsletters lead with “Hello Arthur”, as if it’s personally written for me. It’s a mass message. Address the masses in a genuine way.

@May 29, 2022 10:23 AM (CDT)

I like names that are first name verbs and last name nouns: frank rose. Grant bone. Frank will often say: to be frank… grant will say I grant you…

@May 28, 2022

In the evening I watched Koyaanisqatsi, a film with no dialogue. I was bored after the first 10 minutes of Planet Earth-esk shots. I whispered to my neighbor, how long is this film? 90 minutes!?! How is that possible. I dully watched on and at some point I got lost in the images and the music. Human faces likely were are big part of it. When people entered, I was riveted. But also curiosity, what about this shot am I curious about. But most importantly — I was in a baseball park, with Marine, watching it on a projector under the stars. Crickets chirped. The screen oscillated with the wind.

@May 27, 2022

1st day of masterclass / choosing partners (shame, care taking)

@May 27, 2022 12:21 PM (CDT)

trying is counter productive

@May 27, 2022 10:03 AM (CDT)

I have a tendency to give “descriptive” details which lack deeper meaning. It’s describing the world in an objective way. Good writing gives perspectives.
Example: “Twenty minutes later, we pulled into an empty gravel parking lot. Behind a shack was a muddied pond with dried swamp grass erected three feet over the water. It reminded me of my camouflage attire.” Each sentence leads to the next, but the writing is very mundane and lifeless. ”Twenty miles east on the county highway [good edit], we pulled into an empty gravel parking lot [needs work]” - this lot reminds me of a parking lot that guys would hang out in after dark, drinking beers, only to get in their trucks and drive home - in this story, I’m at a crawfishing farm with my Stepdad. How does that relate to this after dark beers? - “we pulled into an empty gravel parking lot. I step out and my foot nudges a crushed Budweiser can.” - “we pulled into an empty gravel parking lot, a lot that I imagined Stepdad decades ago in the dark, drinking beers in the dark, leaning against his Chevy, laughing at the dead shark that’s tied up to his hitch and now covered in dust and gravel and scars.” ^ by pausing with objective sentences and imagining a context (a perspective) to write it in, (then relating in a creative way that context into the story) — a sentence that bores me because rich and infused with story

@May 27, 2022 9:51 AM (CDT)

Story Told: my dad has photo albums of my childhood that I learned of at the age of 35

@May 26, 2022

@May 26, 2022 7:45 PM (CDT)

Michael Thread on DFW and observations

Express scale through metaphors, not numbers.
Time-travel through history to get perspective.
Make your comparisons human.
Unpack the meaning behind words.
Reveal the backstory of ordinary objects
Debunk the assumptions of our culture

All of these are about context change

time/generational (George Washington seeing Porn titles)
style of a thing (in a Lousiana butcher shop, context change: a Whole Foods butcher walking in)
use case (soft carpeting, context change: a drunk who might go unconscious)
lifespan of a thing, backstory and future (a pen on my desk, context change: the chinese boy who filled it with ink)

It gives life to an otherwise meaningless observation.

assumptions (cliches twisted, words deepened/redefined, worldly assumptions questioned)

"1. Express scale through metaphors, not numbers."

I use a lot of leading phrases for orientation. "Two hours later", "A few moments later," And so on. This observation also improves those too.

"A few weeks ago," becomes "In March"

"Twenty minutes later," [a time in a car from point A to point B] becomes "Twenty miles east on the county highway," OR "After Stepdad told 4 more stories,"

“A day later” becomes “After a Sunday of relaxing at the red-brick house and a plane flight,”

@May 25, 2022

Yoga triangle. My dog of a friend, believing humping will cure his problems. Or as Kendrick says in his new album, “I pop the pain away, I slide the pain away”

@May 25, 2022 9:21 PM (CDT)

Kurt Vonnegut twists of phrases in ‘Love Kurt’

“Do you mind if I spend a great deal of my Thanksgiving vacation with you?”
“Dearest Jane, Snow White…”
“Oh dammit! Abraham Lincoln, J. Christ, Micky Mouse, or Freud never took orders from anybody”
“God knows I want to take you—I think he likes me a little”
“Incidentally, you lovely little girl who loves to be kissed on every inch of your fourteen square feet of creamy skin—I’ll do it too—you are the fortunate recipient of a years subscription to the Cornell Daily Sun.”
“When we’re married we can economize on shirts. I swear I’ll never wear one with you under the same roof.”

@May 25, 2022 4:55 PM (CDT)

What’s the one thing I want to be known for in each community?

@May 25, 2022 11:56 AM (CDT)

Michael idea: write a tweet thread. Choose the most interesting tweet and expand into an essay. Focus solely on that anchor and the secondary tweets will sneak their way in.

@May 25, 2022 10:10 AM (CDT)

after the confrontation has passed and we have gone separate ways, my words, the ones true to how I feel and myself, arrive. In the moment, after you tell me you went on a date with a woman who I’m dating, I react as if I don’t care — I’ll look emotionless and stoic and at peace. And when I’m in my 1 bedroom apartment, shame sets in: fuck him, fuck her, those two can be miserable together; I had more to say! why didn’t I tell him and get angry at him; I’m stupid and slow. I shame on and on until it’s so painful I kick and scream and beat the living feathers out of my pillow. And, when I’m lucky, I lay on my back, eyes open, and I feel the righteous anger warm my cheeks and jaw, which frightens me. Who knows what will happen if I feel that? I may say something. Someone may see I’m emotional and I really do care. Below my eyes warms up. I like it. I grab my phone and type a message, “You knew she and I were dating. And even without any nefarious intention, I still have the right to know if you are meeting up. So next time please ask me. She has the right to hang out with whoever. You have the right. But as your friend, it’s what’s fair for me.” I said it, calmly and clearly like a good unemotional stoic. He responds, “Shit dude, I’m sorry. I see now that your feeling run deeper than I knew.” He’s right which surprises me because I thought that was obvious. I’m sensitive and I’m not dead. But I hide my care. I hide my hurt. I hide my fears. And for that, shame takes over and feathers fill the air. And for that, my friends and loved ones believe I don’t care, a passionless robot mimicking a human smile around town. When truly I’m imploding with feelings and am frightened to share them. And it feels good to share that. Even if we have gone separate ways and the confrontation is over. It feels good to be seen and to be true and to tell my friend that I care for him and his friendship.

P.S. this is the second time I expressed anger and it resulted in the other person being surprised by my care. That’s interesting to me. For one, I at times tell myself I don’t care about these people, yet my emotional system is clearly telling me something else. Secondly, in each case I thought it was obvious that I had a lot of feelings around the topics,, but that only became clear when I showed this anger.

^ meta note: today I decided to warm up with an exercise. I wrote 1 sentence, 1 thought that was on my mind: my words and feelings often arrive after the event. From this sentence, I paused with each potential expansion and let it ripple into a paragraph. here the potential expansions: my words and feelings often arrive after the event. I chose to clarify ‘the event’ by wondering what that looks like… a confrontation.
^ meta note2: I did not plan to write about this event. I wanted to write one sentence and see where it goes. The event stormed out.
Potential related notes: log1, log2, log3, log4, log5, log6

@May 24, 2022

Cata performed. I won’t see her before Hawaii, unless she reaches out. That’s difficult, but just.

@May 24, 2022 4:11 PM (CDT)

Feedback from Promeet about overall my writing

LIKES Personal Very descriptive - love the way you’ve described stepdad! Lots of observation Short sentences which is great! Writing is very understandable Writing is definitely not boring

IMPROVEMENTS Language; some of the words are a bit more complicated Purpose of the story? Was it to talk about stepdad or was it to humanize him even though he is different politically?

WRITING STYLE Storyteller Detail-oriented

Side note: I love childhood stories told from the eyes of an observer. A Painted House by John Grisham is to date one of my favorites!

@May 24, 2022 11:11 AM (CDT)

good writing lingers in the opening sentence - it wonders for an entire paragraph

@May 23, 2022

Grayson in town and I didn’t see him, part from flight issues, another part from lack of effort on his part 😡 | I told Tyler about the three types of anger… he’s clearly (and Larry David) passive aggressive

I’m numb to school shootings, even when elementary children are targeted. It’s horrifying.

@May 23, 2022 8:29 PM (CDT)

Many babies who weigh less than a watermelon speak louder than me

@May 23, 2022 7:05 PM (CDT)

I am rediscovering how to wonder, asking questions is the tool, but it gets tainted by the agenda of wanting to be in a state of wonder or wanting to help someone. I experienced this in the feedback gym today
I, as a 35 year old adult, am not a child. I miss wondering, which children do. Adults when they are lucky do it too. But that’s rare, like watching a leprechaun spit shine gold tokens. Most often I ask a question wanting an answer or I ask a question wanting to help someone. A child asks to live in the question—why? why? why?—I forgot how to do that
Today in the feedback gym we discussed AI generated Beatles music. The first two videos were the Beatles new AI generated videos, the AI both writing lyrics, music, and sampling vocals. The third video was Here Comes The Sun, which surprised me because I really enjoyed it—way more than the complete AI generated. The song has a story and a feeling behind it—that’s just extended.
There was a big difference between the AI generated and the classic songs: the classic songs were created in a time and place as a subjective message to the world. Whereas AI generated is randomness. The song is only infused with life changing meaning from the story behind it (like Kayne through the wire). I wanted to help Michael see that, so thinking I’m helping or asking from wonder, I asked what’s the difference between non-generated and generated. It was clear to me and I thought this is how I help. But Michael’s answer blew my mind, because not only did he already know what was clear to me, but he extended the thought. He predicted a future of fan fiction artists creating songs using the Beatles as a message to the world. That’s what I didn’t see that’s fascinating to me. But I also noticed how I could’ve reworded my question: so for me what makes a Beatles song actually matter is the time and place and spirit is was created in. I don’t see how AI generated music would have that. What am I missing? Live in that.

Wonder

@May 23, 2022 12:35 PM (CDT)

last night flight canceled—staff shortage. Delta, a company grossing 17.1 BILIION in revenue, failed to find two stewardess who were willing to fly. I’m in a Hilton in MN, flipping channels for the first time in the 2020s. Here’s what I see: bar rescue, Gordon Ramsey a chef on National Geographic, fast and furious always on FX, news channel erupting with hate

@May 22, 2022

@May 22, 2022 10:15 PM (CDT)

My father, who’s 60 and retired and loves his garden and his flowers, hates deer. Actually my father has never been in a fight in his life, expect for the last thirty years with deer. They eat his flower buds. He’s very critical over the evolution of a rose, the damn thorns are useless! So because the thorns don’t protect his flowers, it’s his, as a lover of smelling the roses, duty to save them. My step-mom joked we can’t afford a vacation because of how much money he spends fighting the deer. He’s taken this so far that he made a spray which smells like a decaying body: it contains 1 week old egg yolks turned rotten, 1 week old whole milk turned sour, and tabasco sauce. He bottled it up and spray it on his flowers. It scared the deer away. But it also scared him away too, and the flowers no longer smelled like flowers but rather like the rotten dirt under a toenail. Last week, he bought a 6 foot fence and placed in on the deer’s trail. On both sides of the fence are hundreds, if not thousands, of open trail. He’s desperate. And prays the fence will confuse the deer so much they’ll run the opposite direction until they run off a cliff and die. This didn’t happen. Instead the deer step a half of a hoof to the right or the left and began to eat my father’s flowers. A few of his other attempts: he bought a 20 lb salt block, which are normally for cows to lick for important dietary minerals, and hikes up into the woods where he puts it on a large limestone rock. Deer still ate his coveted flowers—deer like man like doing the restricted. ”You know,” my father said, “these deer are fearless. When our house was being built—in 1992—in the snow I saw deer foot tracks walking right through our frame.” His current strategy is a motion detection sprinkler. He’s so pleased of this one, he showed me a video:

I told him, “Pops, if this doesn’t work I’ll drag out my electrical engineering senior project.” In university I built a Nerf Sentry gun. A sentry gun, I first learned of in Call of Duty, a video game. It’s a gun which scans the landscape, swinging side to side 180 degrees. When it detects motion with sensors, it locks on the target and automatically fires. I did this with a Nerf gun, using a webcam for motion-detection and a PCD board attached to a AC motor. I didn’t ever think it could have a real-world use until I see my father’s war. I asked him, why not just leave a twenty-two rifle by the door. He said once he dug my airsoft gun out from the garage attic. The first deer that came, when a tiny white spotted fawn. The gun lowered, along with he head. He doesn’t have a heart to hurt an animal. So the war continues. My father protecting helpless flowers. While respecting his enemy.

@May 28, 2022

@May 21, 2022 11:52 AM (CDT)

I’m loved. The evidence:

Two weddings in a weekend, two different groups of friends — over a hundred names, each with a different face and a shake of the hand
Scott, a ultra successful business man, inviting me on a retreat with his son—get away from the internet and talk about how to save the world...
Mr. Rose stopping on his way out to say goodbye. A friendly man who swims
My dad and step-mom driving 2 hours to see me and bring me to the airport.
Erin sending love, telling me to link up with the 07 girls — I do miss them
KB and I another weekend together, almost cult like sharing of money and food and fun
Preston picking me up from the airport

@May 21, 2022 11:48 AM (CDT)

Wedding Notes

the couple ended the reception with a private dance — everyone left the hall and they danced a song together. — this is incredible and a powerful moment. well done
Black Tux is such a clean look
Wedding DJ, rapid fire music, until “All the small things” and every single person is singing
Conversation with Scott on fixing free speech

Speaker’s corner in Hyde Park in London. Every Sunday, public forum to lodge complaints. People standing on benching shouting abuses.
Free speech must have consequences—this is a major problem of our world. If someone says all babies with brown hair must die, that person must be ostracized from the community. Or splattered with a tomato.
At least the people in Hyde Park have to experience pushback. On the internet, we can be anonymous—say what we will without any sort of consequences.
@May 23, 2022 conversation with Tyler: journalist and declared trusted sources (blue check marks?). You lose your check mark if you’re giving untrustworthy information. This is voted upon

@May 21, 2022 11:35 AM (CDT)

Market timing: have conversations about the markets, what are the common talking points you hear? Then ask, where is the market in the fomo or fud cycle? During a buying cycle, are people still buying from fomo? During a sell off, who is still going to sell from fud? “The market will correct until the last seller and buyer.” - Naval paraphrased

@May 21, 2022 11:32 AM (CDT)

Head Heart Body — speak, listen, act from the head, heart, gut

@May 21, 2022 11:31 AM (CDT)

I build awareness around feelings by recognizing reactions and resisting them, sitting in that thing and feeling what’s scary. What is it like to love that feeling?
what feeling do I want to run from in the morning when I crave coffee? How can I live that feeling?
I struggle with defeat, I quickly brush it off as if I don’t care when I do. After a loss I’m the first to offer my hand

@May 21, 2022 11:30 AM (CDT)

Scientific method

@May 20, 2022

Andrew’s wedding, two suits and tequila sodas

@May 20, 2022 9:00 PM (CDT)

My friend Jen, who I used to work with in 2006 at Culvers, has a syrupy Minnesota accent: long Ooos and long As for any words ending in ‘ag’ like bag and tag and snag. Exclamation oofta. “I need new magnifiers [glasses]”
In most varieties of english accent ‘o’ is a diphthong, [oʊ] (like in snow). Minnesotans, like myself have a monophthong, [o] (snoooow). Which all this likely came from scott/irish who have a monophthong [o] OR scandinavians who have many monophthong vowels.
Minnesotan speakers crawl along in speech
oral posture: a lot of lip corner tension and not a lot of jaw movement, resulting in a small smile. many vowels become forward moving.

@May 19, 2022

talking to locals for recommendations.

@May 19, 2022 4:25 PM (CDT)

On a corner of a street, Kyle and I look at my phone, reading about a cult leader. Crossing the street,Steve asks if we need help. We didn’t. But I wanted it. He recommended Perry’s rooftop bar, told us to say Passport his dog sent us. “They’ll get a kick of it”. When we arrived, I told The hostess, who was a ginger with orange sunglasses. She threw her head back in laughter so harshly I worried about whiplash. What a kick by Passport.
Don’t touch Spanish moss that’s on the ground unless you want chiggers to bury into your skin. Suffocate them with nail polish

@May 19, 2022 3:25 PM (CDT)

Mate is a beverage from Argentina. It’s a tea drank. A cafe in Savannah sells it, The Yellow Deli (Mate Factor). They are also located in Paris, Vancouver, Lawerence KS, NYC, Japan and many other cities across the world—the expansion of the cafes is confusing as it’s not locally based but rather globally. I see workers, many men with long hair, many women in long , formal dresses, and I sense something going on. Am I drinking koolaid, because it taste fucking good.

picture from Buenos Aires, my daily mate

Amity stops by to say hi. He says everyone works and lives together. It’s a commune—Twelve Tribes. He tells his story of how he joined. His van broke down in California. He had no money and lurked into a The Yellow Deli. They fed him. Told him about God. His father who was with him ate the food, not the gospel. Amity told his father he wasn’t leaving. The Twelve Tribes bought his father a ticket to bus home, back across the country. Amity had green eyes matching green plaid shirt and a friendly smile. He’s a productive recruit.

The first article I read: “Twelve Tribes’ businesses like Yellow Deli exploit cult followers for free labor, ex-members say”
Saving this 38min vlog, future research — cults are fascinating. Mate is tasty.

@May 19, 2022 11:25 AM (CDT)

Lately I watch a movie for the actors their vulnerable truths. I listen to music, be that Kendrick Lamar or classical piano, for the emotion expression.

@May 19, 2022 11:11 AM (CDT)

Care Taking definition: managing someone else’s emotions (experience) in order to manage your own emotions (experience)

@May 25, 2022 11:07 AM (CDT) Care Taking definition 2: Taking Care from someone else, removing their care for life to benefit yourself.

Last year I was in a relationship where she played the helpless victim and I played the savior. I wrote about it in, @healthy hope and @rosebush. What I wish I saw then was the power dynamic we had going on between us. Here are notes how we could’ve empowered the relationship —

what if every time I saw Cata go into victim mode I stood up and walked out — or every time she was in victim mode I encourage her to get that pain and anger out. Yeah, give me more, how did the doctors fuck you, Rant. Let it out.
I had believed if i didn’t help her she would give up on the relationship. But what made me think that if I do help her she won’t give up on the relationship? Feel Cata leave me. Let that heartbreak in

What am I fearing? What makes me believe that the opposite is true?

Ways of identifying if you’re in care taking: you’re thinking of multiple ways of saying something [...] I do this reentlessly—what makes me believe the people in my life are weak?

@May 18, 2022 6:09 PM (CDT)

Maybe Im confused _this fact. What am I missing?

@May 18, 2022 4:09 PM (CDT)

Poker war didn’t happen from an arms race but it happened from lack of trust and undefined system. Instead people were selected based on relationships

@May 18, 2022 12:45 PM (CDT)

Small Bets #2

Types of Work

coaching / freelancing
own writing
techincal products to help writing
brick and motor businesses

When building something or learning a skill, first look at others which are succeeding.

How would you grow one of these trees at your home? First, take note of its natural environment.

preppers aren’t paranoid, they have a worry and take action on it. take care of the downside first, then go after the upside.

my only business plan is to stay in the game. (this is my mindset right now)

@May 18, 2022 12:33 PM (CDT)

I tried my first angry rant today. It was about my Stepdad, as I’m writing an essay on him. With each burst, I exhausted myself. Anger is weak in me. But I KNOW there’s a rich practice to be had here

@May 18, 2022 10:39 AM (CDT)

‣

Feedback

@May 18, 2022 10:26 AM (CDT)

writing gym camera set to my keyboard and my fingers

@May 18, 2022 10:21 AM (CDT)

write a follow up essay to Louisiana: Stepdad and me crying together

@May 18, 2022 9:53 AM (CDT)

CRIBS feedback

confusing: transitions and unclear sentences
repetitive: I heard this already and I’m angry you’re telling me again
interesting: fun to talk about, relatable, fun to live out
boring: this sentence/section bores me and I wish I didn’t spend time with it
surprising: end with this sentence and infuse it with meaning

@May 18, 2022 9:39 AM (CDT)

Jack Nicholson contorts his body and lets anger move through him. I will study his actions (those times when he processes anger as a release, not at someone in violence but a physical release). I will mimic them in real time
Anger has many layers underneath, “you have to turn up the volume while staying with the deeper motivation”
Nicholson shows fear within the anger with silent moments of sighing in between the outbreaks

^ From the Art of Anger by Nerdwriter

[Write 4 part Essay Series (a year long project): 4 types of anger, shown in Actors — perhaps best as a video series]

@May 18, 2022 9:33 AM (CDT)

ALF = audio, lighting, framing (thanks Cam)

@May 18, 2022 8:40 AM (CDT)

Simone often gives advice, then makes it personal. “Look past the biblical references if they’re not your thing. I do.”

@May 17, 2022

Movie (Everything Everywhere All at once) and Dinner (Koriente) w/ Emily. Before the date, I facetimed Cata. Moments before the date, Anel emailed me. Past women of my life all greeting me. Each of us doing it with a smile. This would have been impossible a month ago, from shame and fear. But ever since I yelled Fuck you 25 times in a flaming hot bathtub, I’’m confident I’ll be able to handle any tricky emotional situation that arises.

@May 17, 2022 9:49 PM (CDT)

Movie of the night: Everything Everywhere All At Once

Magical Realism using sci-fi
A great ending. If a movie has a great ending, it’s always worthwhile, even if it’s 2.5 hours.
The last conversation between Joy and Elvey was powerful. Direct, honest, her vulnerable truth.

“you are getting fat”, a mother says to her daughter, “and you never call me even though we have a family plan and it's free you only visit when you need something you got a tattoo and i don't care if it's supposed to represent our family you know i hate tattoos and of all the places i could be why would i want to be here with you yes you're right it doesn't make sense you're right it doesn't make sense maybe it's like you said maybe there is something out there some new discovery some new discovery that will make us feel like even small pieces of something that explains why you still aren't looking for me and why no matter what i still want to be here with you i will always always want to hear with you”

When you tell someone where they are struggling, even when it might hurt them, your compliments and the positives sink deeper.

@May 17, 2022 5:00 PM (CDT)

after feedback gym, I printed my essay and printed a transcript of our conversation, stapled them together, and reread them both in physical form. The tactical form helped me jot thoughts while still focusing on what’s the most important edit

@May 16, 2022

Guy in front of juiceland puts fingers in girlfriend(?)’s asshole, I want to fight, “Qi get in a fight before 40”

@May 16, 2022 8:57 PM (CDT)

Movie of the night: Equilibrium

after WWIII humans got the idea to erratic emotions were the species and become a purely rational society.
“it does?” (slightly passive aggressive, hint of anger) “excuse me?” “it does.”
wife was incinerated, reported by son. “how does that make you feel?”

anger boils up in him, I see it

Clarik is intuitive, he knows what others feel. The archetype here is a stoic who uses compassion to justify not becoming angry. Needs to learn to have compassion for the anger, give it space to move.
“processing” verse “execution” ,,, removing emotion from the language
simple sensations like the touch of a metal railing
fight scene with clubs, intense physical, but transactional
movie is instutialized plot
when Villian was exeuctes, you could see a determined look

@May 16, 2022 8:00 PM (CDT)

Poker players love games and strategizing for games

@May 16, 2022 1:59 PM (CDT)

dude, respect your lady
dude, honor your lady

dude, beat the drum for your lady, empower her
_____

Imagination

@May 16, 2022 1:26 PM (CDT)

@May 16, 2022 10:27 AM (CDT)

yoga breathe, breath out a straw (rather than my conceding breathe)

@May 16, 2022 8:53 AM (CDT)

poker friend built layer zero

Sequoia, FTX Ventures And A16z Lead $135 Million Investment In Crypto Firm Breaking Down Barriers Between Blockchains

'The future is multichain' has become crypto's latest favorite refrain. As opposed to the mantra of 'one chain to rule them all', many enthusiasts are now starting to believe that the blockchain industry will consist of many different networks communicating with each other in much the same way that Android users can now make FaceTime calls.

t.co

Sequoia, FTX Ventures And A16z Lead $135 Million Investment In Crypto Firm Breaking Down Barriers Between Blockchains

@May 15, 2022

Laser Tag with Little; Breathwork blacking out

Month Recap

Dad Duty in KC
Tommy arrived to Austin
Laser Tag
Masterclass register
Back w/ Emily
Connection Course w/ Pucky

@May 15, 2022 9:43 PM (CDT)

Blood moon log

@May 15, 2022 9:43 PM (CDT)

Joe on Fear

Source: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/empower-over-power-aoa-series-8/id1540650504?i=1000514559748

Fear is often over consequences. What consequences are you afraid of? What if they happened…?
indecision: if your on the fence (sitting on the fence) about anything, that’s an indication there’s fear about smth. Fear that needs to be processed
“When I see someone who has done tremendous amount of work and they still aren’t moving through life iba. Natural flow like a mammals it’s often because they have a kink with anger”
“I can’t tell my wife her cooking sucks because she’ll get mad at me.” This isn’t about the cooking but fearing the consequences of a wife being mad
Fear creates a false end in the system. Omg Im going to lose my job. … and then what?
Defi, I operate out of anxiety fearing I’ll make a mistake and that anxiety puts me in indecision and I struggle to flow. So I’m wondering can i have clear expectations of how to behave and ensure security

@May 15, 2022 9:41 PM (CDT)

“Every day I’d learn something about the little prince’s planet, about his departure, about his journey.” This reminded me of my time with Chris. I wish I learned more about him. We dump life details up front. Then don’t ask again the rest of the weekend.
little prince from a tiny planet. Sun setting over France. On his planet watched it with a chair move. 45 times. Was he sad? P19

@May 15, 2022 9:40 PM (CDT)

KC notes

“he said he wants to hug octopus to know him” - child#1 qoute
Pedialyte popsicle. Smashing it with finger and sliding it against teeth
Sandlot. Boys throwing balls.
Elote
Child#1 constant milk mustache
“Naps are too short. Luckily the 3 year old still naps” - Parent#1
lady at airport tries to scare 2 year old

@May 15, 2022 9:38 PM (CDT)

Step brother’s children story #StoriesTold

@May 15, 2022 7:36 PM (CDT)

my guilt and shame makes relationships dramatic. I need to learn to love the feeling of guilt and shame instead of them crippling me.

@May 15, 2022 7:27 PM (CDT)

anger points to three things (1) something you care about (2) something you fear (3) a boundary crossed

@May 15, 2022 6:56 PM (CDT)

guy sits on the hood of his Tesla, frunk is popped. He waits for his car to charge. Under the sun he has a floarl shirt. He smokes a cigarette as music blasts from his window. It’s classical. Who is this guy? I’m too defense to ask. I drive away.

@May 15, 2022 6:31 PM (CDT)

bracing embracing
We’re making decisions to feel how we want to feel. The key to good decision making is not being afraid of any feeling. Embracing that intensity. Fall in love with a feeling you’ve been avoiding.

@May 15, 2022 4:11 PM (CDT)

Blazer Laser Tag with my little today.
talk game strategies with Little
The first game, we were uptight. Our code names were are regular names. We were on different teams. We played to win. The second game, we were a team. We chose code names — him “One shot, One kill” me “vosser”, and we decided to team up. We watched each others backs. Maybe times, the voice in my head was frustrated because this wasn’t optimal. I wanted to leave “1S1K” behind to win the game for myself. Let him drowned. Instead of pushing into the team aspect and playing up that part — not to win but to enjoy.
I played Laser tag with my Little in BBBS yesterday. It was the first time since I was a pimply faced teenager. I want to write an essay about tag teaming with a 10 yo vs 30 people of Austin’s underbelly, some of the most interesting characters I’ve seen

List of People

Buffalo: black hair, green muscle tank, somersault to the map followed by mimicking a german
Dirty D: African American, ball cap covering eyes, smoking vape pen—actually 80% of this crew smoked a vape pen
Rabid Cat: white guy, bald head expect for the tattoos that surround his temples and linger every other inch of his skin. 1 inch gauge ear rings too
Blossom: a transgender who quieted the gang down during the presentation
Dead Girl: a mom who was lost the entire time in the arena, like in a video game when the player repeatedly walks into the wall
Ken: the leader

Also Texas—besides making big everything—makes big laser tag arenas.

@May 12, 2022 10:37 AM (CDT)

I’m learning to give honest, vulnerable feedback on essays. Here’s attempt #1

I am motivated to share this framework with others in my life. And I thank you for that. But after reading your essay, I want to be motivated to share your perspective of the framework. Currently the essay misses your voice and could be distilled in a twitter thread, 3-4 tweets long. Which is sad because I bet you are passionate about this idea if youve read a book and wrote an essay on it. Change my mind. What personal examples are burning within you as you hear this? Here’s a few sentences that you could plumb for emotions — 1. you initial stat. HALF of young people believe humanity is doomed. God 2. “Urgent need to build optimism in kids” how is this urgency motivating your life?

It’s a risky game. I choose to discourage a few students on my way to changing many.

@May 15, 2022 3:30 PM (CDT)

“Good philanthropy is an exchange, it’s not a gift. It’s a recognition that you’re getting as much from it that you’re giving.” - Joe Hudson
When I act from guilt, I tend to give without empowering.
Good philanthropy empowers.

@May 15, 2022 3:08 PM (CDT)

In 1972 Brian Kernighan printed “Hello, World!” for the first time on a computer screen.

@May 15, 2022 2:57 PM (CDT)

On a zoom call, a woman says, “Fuck you”, and smiles. “What is making you smile?” he asked. She was trying to move anger by saying Fuck you 25 times. Something blocks her which must be noticed.

On a zoom call, a woman expresses love and she kept reacting, her intellect kept chiming in and explaining. He asks, “What is making your heart close?”

In the shower, I said, “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, ...”. I sigh. I almost quit. A feeling of defeat. A feeling of knowing my place. FUCK THAT. FUYCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. I exhale, a steamy exhale. For a moment I forget how to sigh.

Exhale out a straw (yoga)

Tool for moving emotions: Act it out while staying true to yourself. As you approach emotional authenticity, Notice what gets in your way.

@May 14, 2022

My friend and his “be-my-friend” bit, “we would like you a lot more if you didn’t do that bit and instead asked us to join and tell us you’re joining.”

@May 13, 2022

sneaking away for sports with Chris, basketball blue courts and our rhythm. Boys and Balls, (open up a store). Yard games, pretend baseball (quick releases), juggling, throwing (children) balls in circle reverse on 10

@May 13, 2022 11:18 AM (CDT)

My therapist sent me her notes from over 70 hours of therapy. The notes are quotes of language I used with her comments.
Themes

“stuck in my head” “be in my body more”
"lightheadedness/spacey" "detached" ⇒ disconnection, leaving my body
“Slow down” "self-improvement tasks"
“anxiety covers up my feelings”
“Should” ⇒ no longer in my lexicon. Wants over Shoulds.
"thinking mathematically/probable outcomes"
"starting conversation with a woman I'm interested in" "want more human connection"

‣

List of Kims Notes

"accept my flaws"; "vulnerable = weak"; "stuck in my head"; "letting myself be vulnerable"; "suppressing my emotions"; [Brene Brown article re: "the story I'm telling myself is..."]; "be in my body more"; [article on "Bold Intimacy", documentary "The Mask We Live In"]; "slow down"; "anxious"; "anxiety covers up my feelings"; "suppression"; [threshold issues present?]; "starting conversation with a woman I'm interested in"; "shy"; "sad" [cost of the defenses]; "I should/you should"; "missing out"; "isolating myself"; "self-improvement tasks"; [walls/distancing]; "justifications"; "hinders me"; "want more human connection"; "sadness"; "lightheadedness/spacey" [threshold issues, anxiety down regulation required]; "grounded"; "detached"; "thinking mathematically/probable outcomes"; "inner conflict"; "I can overcome that behaviour"; "denying and justifying, blocks progress"; "confusion"; "plough through my anxiety a lot"; "pattern of disagreeing"; [defiance?]; "not being able to explain what I'm thinking"; [what's the triangle of conflict and triangle of person pattern?]; [self-fulfilling painful cycle!]; "overall problem...speech/public speaking"; "majorly self-critical"; "stuck in a shell"; "too critical of what I say"; "is it valuable to them?"; [desire for freedom expressed]; "going quiet"; "over-filtering"; "catching myself and returning to be present"; "critical of others too"; "difficulties talking in groups"; "want to be more accepting"; [tendency to go asbstract]; [spiritual bypassing]; "want to be more comfortable with myself"; "more understanding and more accepting"; "want to connect with women more/date women I'm interested in"; "want to increase my group of friends"; "I should..."; [become more open to experimenting]; [clarity vs arguing]; "my core issue is not being able to explain myself/not being able to explain what I'm thinking due to being too self-critical"; "avoiding"; "projections"; "possible defenses"; "justifying in my head"; "questioning in my head"; [thoughts over-emphasized at the cost of feelings]; "dreading"; "confused"; [we're a team]; "going in circles"; "not having a romantic life"; "sad"; "not putting time and effort into it";

"explore more"; "not being forward"; "protected and passive"; "my Father"; "increase my communication skills"; "afraid of being assertive"; [letting yourself share more]; "get out of my head"; "frustrated at self"; "sad"; "it's valid for me to share"; "not leading a conversation" [passivity]; "attacking myself"; "keeping myself in my shell"; "sad"; [increased self-compassion]; "over-using the introvert card"; "increased curiousity"; "anger only goes inwards"; "my Father"; "silent treatment"; [detours from anger relationally]; "nice guy that doesn't get angry"; [increased assertiveness].

From June 29/2020 to present, AV did another cycle of therapy with me. From June 29, 2020-August 3, 2021 AV did 35 therapy sessions with me.

@May 13, 2022 11:10 AM (CDT)

Oli to Alana, “You look different today”

@May 13, 2022 10:14 AM (CDT)

baby jayhawk nft that you walk into the metaverse. Like a tamagotchi pet, you get an egg nft that rattles and cracks and births a jayhawk. You carried him around on a handheld digital device, which many carry on a keychain.

Japanese words tamago (たまご), which means "egg", and uotchi (ウオッチ) ”watch”
Tamagotchis are a small alien species that deposited an egg on Earth to see what life was like, and it is up to the player to raise the egg into an adult creature.

@May 13, 2022 8:16 AM (CDT)

When I struggle to figure out what to say, it’s a good time to ask a question

@May 12, 2022

Travel to KC: dad life

@May 12, 2022 4:38 PM (CDT)

Questions I’m asking lately

What do I see that no one else sees?
What scares me to say/do/share?

@May 12, 2022 4:34 PM (CDT)

I read Charlie’s newsletter and a lot interested me

“playing the game of ideas” - consuming ideas, talking them, sharing them, teaching them
Charlie launching the Center for Economic Inclusion at UH
quote, “That’s what fiction is for. It’s for getting at the truth when the truth isn’t sufficient for the truth.” - Tim O’Brien
“I might hire a preschool teacher to decorate my office.”
“volunteer preschool teacher”

@May 12, 2022 4:33 PM (CDT)

noun last names: bone, rose, wolf

@May 11, 2022 4:25 PM (CDT)

im a pensive person and it gets exhausting

@May 11, 2022 3:49 PM (CDT)

Exercise by Joojo to practice conclusions

@May 11, 2022 3:22 PM (CDT)

To convert a log into an essay - ask, what do I see that no one else notices?

@May 11, 2022 10:42 AM (CDT)

This morning I felt insecure, you were closed, and you exchanged phone numbers with Read which hurt.
😡
I’m sorry our status isn’t clear. How can I make it more clear?

@May 10, 2022

@May 10, 2022 5:01 PM (CDT)

I wrote an essay about my travels to Louisiana, simply wanting to note the interesting and fun culture. I got feedback today and a single phrase (not even a full sentence) stood out about my step-father and his trump supporting ways. This innuendo was obviously the most interesting part of the essay. I realized the essay is about how after seeing the culture of the deep south — I understand my step-father and how he’s a trump-preacher and gun-collector. I forgive him.

@May 10, 2022 4:38 PM (CDT)

I want to reconnect with my ex, my first love, who I haven’t talked to in 5 years and who also lives in Austin and who now has a husband and a son. Yikes. I’m itching to say: “Hi Laura, I live in Austin, moved here June 2021. Would you want to get coffee as friends? I would like that. I respect you and your family and understand if you prefer our relationship as is. A” But today, at least, I will simply observe the itchy sensation.

@May 10, 2022 4:27 PM (CDT)

What’s scary? Doing Michael Dean’s idea of minimal viable essay.

What is it? I have 1 hour to write. I write an outline of an idea. Within the outline I add bullet points. And I talk out the essay on video. OMG NO. I’m not ready for that.. yet I’m compelled to try

@May 10, 2022 12:33 PM (CDT)

I want to write a story about the lottery of a popsicle stick. Some sticks are given a life in childhood crafts, others a cold, frozen life. And the most unlucky ones become tongue depressors, inserted into someone's mouth so a doctor can check for healthy tonsils.

@May 9, 2022

Small Bets into the Stochastic World as a Poker Player

@May 9, 2022 9:15 PM (CDT)

#StoriesTold

Two Types of Travel (1) all-inclusive where you don’t have to think, (2) adventures where you travel without a destination
Travel to unknown cities | big cities more modern, small no
What is magical realism? what do you like to write about?
What were your novels about?
15 bets: Pool of entrepreneurs v Linkin

@May 9, 2022 6:50 PM (CDT)

Small Bets Notes as a

Poker Player

Lecture 1: @May 9, 2022 6:50 PM (CDT)
The Role of Randomness in Poker keeps fish in the game (recreational players who like winning from time to time but know they’re donating money). Randomness also convinces poor pros they can beat the game, when in reality the math isn’t in their favor. Without randomness, a pro wouldn’t make a living.
Both in Business and Poker, we make +ev bets and have control over our strategies.
Businesses rely on human behavior which we don’t fully understand, poker relies on math and human behavior is secondary. We actually remove human behavior from the equation. Many pros wear sunglasses and hoodies. Many pros use the hands on their watch to randomize their actions. The best pros, you cannot tell a difference between their best hand and their worst. So this is a key difference. “A business needs to work in a world nobody understands”
Two Worlds: The predictable world, (Mediocristan called by NNT) success is almost guaranteed if you put the effort (corporate nine to five). The stochastic world, (NNT calls it Extremistan) success is mostly randomly determined. [Stochastic world is what I previously called Entrepreneur Pool]

“Illusion of opportunity” is Extremistan. This is like poker. MANY believe they can beat it.
I’m reminded of Raza, “Start a comedy club rather than do stand up.” Perhaps a way to make the unpredictable world more predictable.
Mathew effect. Success breads success. Go after small wins.

What small wins could I test out?

Imagination workshop
More magical realism Essays

How do poker players tame uncertainty?

Playing GTO: rock-paper-scissors, we can remove uncertainty by playing rock 33% of the time, paper 33% of the time, and scissors 33% of the time. The is how a computer would play, so that you can’t exploit it.
We make small bets that do not risk our bankroll; general rule of thumb is 100 buy ins

perhaps in the business world the comparison is time spent creating the business. If you have 5 years to make money, betting a year of your life on a project is a disaster
Conversations are frictionless. Logs are low friction. Notes higher friction. Essays, something I’ll spend 1-2 weeks on, very high friction. Let the work move up the chain.
Monetarily, spend $1000 on 100x (coaching 100 essays?) verse $100k on one bet.
Portfolio of Bets in the Stochastic world

@May 9, 2022 5:52 PM (CDT)

Authenticity over improvement

improvement is If This Then That
what parts do we defend ourselves? If someone calls us out and we resist that we, it irks us and we like want to fight against that. Someone calls us incompetent. We fight against that.

Pema Chödrön “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.” It's these parts of us that we feel like we need to defend and a piece of the world or the parts that we need to fight off or the parts that we need annihilate

@May 9, 2022 5:02 PM (CDT)

Want over should

A want is an expansion, empowering thing
When you see a piece of cake, ask is this impulse to cover up something or is it to empower
impulse to animate. If impulse experiences friction, then it’s an experience of wanting. Fully feel that experience
Wants, shoulds, and craving
80/20 rule of therapy, focus on the impluse that you feel and don’t follow (rather than mistakes made from impluses)

@May 9, 2022 2:04 PM (CDT)

@May 9, 2022 12:48 PM (CDT)

Feel over figure out

There’s an unfelt emotion when you’re feeling…
Pause

Indecision
Recurring thoughts
Binary thinking
Judgements of another

Instead of figuring out what to do, imagine what you’re fearing, and feel your way through those consequences

@May 9, 2022 12:37 PM (CDT)

the season of curly hair 🙌

@May 9, 2022 11:05 AM (CDT)

a writing principal: when describing an environment, how does it interact with the character?

I recall “Adventure must interact with the environment (think Jackie Chan using ladders to fight)”

@May 9, 2022 10:16 AM (CDT)

I abuse the word ‘until’
Until connects two sentences in an “yes and”. Two sentences that aren’t connect from an internal motivator

@May 9, 2022 10:11 AM (CDT)

autobiography with magical realism

@May 9, 2022 10:09 AM (CDT)

I said WRITin again instead of writing

@May 8, 2022

Niel Gaiman: (1) juiceland poster Gaiman speaking, Only seat is in last row Online Error, Lucky Parking Spot, at Box Office front row available. (2) enjoy over manage, Batman poem / Niel’s history reading batman / find resolve in stringing the pearl necklace back together, miss Whitaker and the holy grail, Monkey who created the universe (3) writer’s block... Niel likes the word stuck because it implies you can get unstuck, imagine the funnest most wacky thing you can and write that,

@May 8, 2022 7:25 PM (CDT)

anger is wise; it will tell you when to set boundaries, when you’re taking care of someone else or not taking care of yourself, and it can be transformed into a determination to change the world, like a Gandhi or a Mother Teresa
Healthy anger is determination like Martin Luther King

Unhealthy anger:

“I don’t get angry, don’t have time for that.”
“Yeah it’s okay, you didn’t hurt me, (whispers) you petty douche”
“Ahhhh fuck you, I’ll make you pay!”

@May 8, 2022 4:53 PM (CDT)

enjoy over manage

Feedback

Crowd Work

give writers direction without an idea of where that’ll lead - then when it feels right, go for it. No outcome in mind

WOP coach
Offer adjectives for direction. I felt stuck reading your during your parable. How could you make the tone feel like the rest of the essay which felt like babbling brook
Tell them how to win, without showing them how, and hint how they can enjoy. Example in feedback: the essay would move up the podium if you add a relatable personal story of “healing is trying”. How in your own life have you wallowed in victimhood?
The best I’ve ever done this is Alina and asking Qs. In her essay, I highlighted the sentences which relate to the Shiny Dime and I encouraged her to elaborate through asking questions.

‣

images

But this message was only clear to me on the second read. And that's because the introduction is too general. The introduction didn't nudge me to be aware of your specific message of 'how living overseas changes you', but rather the introduction nudged me to focus on Hong Kong in general. P.S. I asked a lot of questions in the gDoc. They were things I was curious to know more and I thought your answers would strengthen your message.

@May 8, 2022 3:41 PM (CDT)

It sort of gets lost in the reflection ⇒ I fumble it in the reflection

@May 8, 2022 12:27 PM (CDT)

we are a confused species. I’m on trip.com looking at a list of “the world’s most holy places”. The site lists 9 places and after afterwards has trip-advisor-esk reviews, 4.5/5.0 stars...

@May 8, 2022 11:02 AM (CDT)

I was an independent child. if someone wronged me, I refused to reconnect with them. My parents called this the silent treatment. I called it F U, “I don’t need you.”
Although I felt independent, internally I lost my truth, over-shadowed by F-Us and “I don’t need you”s.
I acted like I didn’t care for them, I acted like I didn’t care to reconnect. When deep down, that’s what I wanted. Neither parent helped me see that.

@May 7, 2022

@May 7, 2022 10:12 PM (CDT)

Vulnerable writing is writing my truth DESPITE the consequences.
Writing behind a pseudonym limits consequences, thus isn’t actually vulnerable... more like gossip. I don’t like this thought.

@May 7, 2022 8:32 PM (CDT)

“My brother and his wife enter their apartment differently. My brother cuts across the rocks to get to the front door. Rachel stays on the path which winds around the rocks and gets to the door shortly after.”
Capture
What does this observation say in a larger context? Michael says, “I could see this as an anecdote within a piece about how different values & approaches co-exist within a relationshipsResolve”
Distill
Organize is moving this into a potential essay named: Co-existing with different values
Organize
Express: I imagine a story of a couple who do everything in opposites. He writes right hand, She left. He writes texts, She sends voice messages. But their core values are the same. How could this manifest magically?
Express

My Writing System

@May 7, 2022 5:07 PM (CDT)

Placemaking 4/100, a bike to Zilker

I felt my rear wheel tube low on air as it created a bumpy ride. I U-turn for my pump. While inflating my tire I snapped my rear wheel’s hostel. It went from low air to no air. New activity: a walk to Flat Track to buy a new tube
I walk out to see a group of 6 creatives, with landyards around their neck. A women is most interesting with her oversized eye glasses and shaved head. She holds herself like a woman but her bones tell a different story. I don’t question her eating habits but I bet she weighs under 110 lbs.
On a thick concrete wall, a mural is painted of corn fields and mountains and a sun with a seahorse inside it. The sun reminds me of the one time I did art therapy and I painted a picture of a pregnant seahorse. It was the moment I realized I didn’t want a child with Anel, my ex girlfriend.
The mural reads “¡Si Se Puede!”. A generational Latino farmer is painted next to it. It’s a reminder that working with your hands is worthwhile. The edge of the wall, concrete bricks jut out like Tetris pieces. Someone is testing down the front wall with their hands.
An A frame on a single story home has a window with four square glass panels. I don’t know their purpose. It could be a look out, but all you would see are cars passing by and a brand new Korean restaurant struggling to attract costumers. When the window was installed in the 70s perhaps there was a better view. It’s fun to wonder what the decision making process what like
I see Flat Track and their lights on. A piece of paper is taped to the front door: bike shop closed at 5:00 05/07. I walk in with my bike and it’s flat tire. The cafe in busy. Not a person on the bike side. My phone tells me 05/07 is today and 5:51 is after 5:00. Fuck. I slunk home, hot, sweaty. every few minutes a new beat of sweat rolls from my lower back down my butt crevice until in piles up between my cheek and thigh. It’s a feeling I haven’t had since September of 2021, a different year than this year. I’ll be back tomorrow, for a tire that holds air and a feeling that I’ve missed.
Tin house. Mesh netting on windows. Electrical cords a smell musty. Viking Force chain link fence. Door, classic with designs. Gradient spray paint. Bushes climbs up it. Electrical boxes. Concrete stairs. A-frame with barn window lookup

@May 7, 2022 9:48 AM (CDT)

dilapidated #vocabList

@May 6, 2022

Bowling with my Little, asking for size 5 shoes and for 6 lb bowling ball, him refusing to use bumpers even though he threw gutter balls 75% of the time | Emily and I made the relationship heavy quickly, focused on what we don’t like rather than enjoying our times together — getting tah-kos, going to plays, double dates

@May 6, 2022 6:00 PM (CDT)

Bowling with my Little. He rolled 37 28, 25. I 105, 97, 140.
We Brainstormed the next activity
BBBS

rock climbing, abc
Laser tag
Escape room
Hiking
Skatepark, always busy
Mini golf
Movie theater, one 2 blocks from jr
Ping pong, arcade
Football, frisbee, soccer
Catan board game
Trampoline

@May 6, 2022 4:00 PM (CDT)

AoA Notes

Connection over Perfection
Perfect is finite. Connection infinite
Perfectists: they are hesitant, rigid, and always second guessing.

@May 6, 2022 3:00 PM (CDT)

VIEW
conversations: we ask questions to find out what’s important.

@May 6, 2022 1:00 PM (CDT)

Town Hall notes
Write of Passage

What can I offer that no one else can?

write from conversation coach — I’m patient, good listener, ask
VIEW
questions to help them discover what they don’t know
writing strong conclusions,
The Last Sentence

we are on a learning journey: how to make the community great?

to participate in that journey, ideate and share opinions. actively engage

@May 5, 2022

@May 5, 2022 4:39 PM (CDT)

Hamlet, not making a discussion

@May 5, 2022 4:37 PM (CDT)

Homework for life: How can I capture stories from my days like this? Details alone make a story.

@May 5, 2022 4:34 PM (CDT)

StoryTold: 10 day mediation retreat. Roommate Tyler, a tattooed leather-wearing biker. Sex addiction. Motorcycle. Rule 1: no communication of any kind. Day 4. Gong bangs for all students to go to the main hall. Tyler and I connect eyes. Fucking no. He stands. Cracks knuckles and holds hand out for a fist bump. He pound knuckles. After this moment the retreat was easy.

@May 5, 2022 3:40 PM (CDT)

milquetoast - “milk”-toast. #vocabList

@May 5, 2022 12:24 PM (CDT)

when a specific word doesn’t come to mind - I google for it. Tip: google _____ terminology

I learned the “strings” on rugs are called the nap of carpet. In depth guide.

Short nap carpets generally have a firmer knit and a smoother surface. Robust durability.

In writing:

In between the strings of the carpet he saw grains of sand.
Lodged into the nap of the carpet, he saw grains of sand.

@May 5, 2022 11:20 AM (CDT)

In the last 24 hours, I’ve been texted by an ex-girlfriend, two friends I met from write of passage, a high school friend who I hadn’t spoke to in a year, a Mexican friend who I learned the best “las palabras de la calle”, my mom telling me Vegas outlawed grass, my dad, a poker player living in Miami, another poker player and my old teammate who’s obsessed about weightlifting, my Little brother’s mother, and one of my yoga instructors. I texted them too. I like my life.

@May 5, 2022 10:17 AM (CDT)

Cata texted. I equipped to handle her. My tendency is to “take care” of her. I become partial to her and enter my mind to figure out how to take care of her. I have an agenda. I noticed this for the first time. Her text read, “Hope you’re doing great!”. I concocted many responses, what emoji to include, how to make her feel good for sending this, how to tell her everything that’s been on my mind, I definitely need to tell her I hope she’s doing great too. All of these with the agenda of taking care. (I spent 4 months behind that agenda. I will not go back.) I responded simply, I like this text a lot, thanks for sending it. And I know, if a conversation starts, there will be an opportunity to bring this agenda forward, out where both of us can see it. I’m equipped to say something like, “I find myself trying to take care of you with my words. I’m sorry for doing that.” !

@May 5, 2022 10:02 AM (CDT)

VIEW
taught me it's not about what to say it's about how to be in the present moment and how to encourage others back to that present moment of connection.

@May 4, 2022

I met my Little (and his little sister) - I’m comfortable these days in new situations. Still some nerves but nowadays they remind me of something I care about and help me be more present

@May 4, 2022 10:00 PM (CDT)

Once I biked along side a creek, in Lanesboro MN, and across the water I saw a huge bald eagle’s nest. I awed over it. I saw 3 babies and a mama on the perch. As other bikers rode by, I stopped them, invited them to wonder with me. It was memorable. #StoryTold

@May 4, 2022 6:40 PM (CDT)

I met my Little today. He met me too. Also his sister met her Big. Both waited 3 years for this day, today. Our primary goal is to respond to texts or calls within 24 hours. He slouches and joins the football team this year. Friday I promised him to bowl. It will be fun.

@May 4, 2022 2:55 PM (CDT)

Experiment with what interests you (yes or no drawn towards it) and afterwards reflect with emotions to gauge the next action

@May 4, 2022 2:38 PM (CDT)

travel: utrecht holland | henk’s city

@May 4, 2022 1:00 PM (CDT)

Charlie describe a feeling perfectly, “Weather in Houston is like taking a long steamy shower, getting out and before you’re dry putting clothes on. Then walking around all day like that.”

@May 4, 2022 8:59 AM (CDT)

“I wanted to run after you - I wish I did.”

@May 3, 2022

Reid Barton Springs Pool cold water and direction | refund on connection course

‣

@May 3, 2022 9:30 PM (CDT)

reviewing Feb 2022 logs. Theme: the shadow self. it’s a great way towards a relatable truth. What would my darkest parts do in this situation? Like storing forumlas ina. TI-89 claculator

@May 3, 2022 9:08 PM (CDT)

“no one cares about process. they only care about benefits and outcomes”

@May 3, 2022 5:46 PM (CDT)

stamping a sentence with a period provides an answer - no period let’s the wonder linger

@May 3, 2022 5:31 PM (CDT)

Placemaking 3/100: logging a workout at the gym

I parked at Muse on South Congress, a parking for Equiknox and the Muse apartments. The gym is above ground, I train on the third floor which looks over the Muse pool. Sirens often distract me from me workout and I goggle women at the pool until drool falls from my lip. I slurp it up and check who saw. No one ever does. We’re not under a spotlight like it feels.
Outside the entrance to Eqiknox are two giant ___. I hadn’t noticed them previously. They remind me of a home. Thick branches grew so that there are many places to lounge. Little leafy plants add extra greenery. The electrician installed wires that run upwards into lamps which have been bolted in. A mossy carpet covers some lounging areas. And there’s wifi! Albeit from equiknox. How many other homes do I pass by without noticing
in the mens locker room, the floor chills my feet through my socks. A man who cut the sleeves off his T-shirt’s scoops a red powder into a plastic shaker. In the gym science is everywhere. Marble countertops are chaotic in nature, a swirl of white amongst the void of black catches my eye. It reminds me of a drinking parasitic water in Mezico. … the void of black
I choose the treadmill in front of the Celtics. Not because I care about boston but because the other row is filled with babes all wearing yoga pants and a bra It’s intimating and that’s distracting to my run
An aerobics class run, walks, spirits on the treadmills. The instructor speaks confidently and communicative. “Three, two, one, let’s get it y’all.” My breathe comforts me after my half mile run. It’s especially comforting combing through my mustache into the ovals of my nostrils. It’s least comforting in around my breast bone where I feel the lung tissues straining. Or are they yawning as they awaken
“THE CUT”, a cherographed cardio-forward boxing workout is most interesting to me. The psychology of it, 14 women and one thin man throwing fists at the air. One woman in the front row has a right hook that would at the least knock the wind out of me if not break my ribs. To be fair I don’t have a lot of meat to penetrate before rib contact.
On the floor mat I hear two trainers directing clients to get on the floor and position limbs in certain direction, rotating the shoulder joint in its socket. One trainer looks like my ex. I can’t stop looking and thinking. Thank god she doesn’t have a Spanish speaking accent.
One person has long bleach blond hair and black peach fuzz on his lips. Their legs are shaven. They use the dip stand for leg lifts just like I do.
Two hours later I walk out the evening air is thick, like I’m walking through thin water. I arrive to my car where my car conditions the thin water into cool air. It’s artificial. I roll my windows down and drive home
^ Describe things until you have something to say

@May 3, 2022 5:01 PM (CDT)

Betwixt #vocabList

@May 3, 2022 1:45 PM (CDT)

, Wonder Podcast

be in the question, not caring for an answer, rather accepting there is no answer and it’s a way of life. Imagine the question, What is my purpose? That’ll be a question without an answer for your whole life. But you can benefit by holding it and sitting in that feeling. Do the same with a more mundane question.

What is it like to run the feedback gym? What is the feedback gym?
What is pleasurable to wonder about? (This is 12 questions reframed to constantly be wonderful)

Speak within the question, not knowing what you’re going to say. I skill I want
My Story

Crowd Work

Present questions: How do you use the imagination in writing? I have some ideas, like ____. What are your thoughts?

Helping someone work out a problem. They tell you such and such about their mother and so on. Before you ask a question or say anything ask what do I not know? When someone tells you a story they are telling you everything they already know, so how can you help them see outside that?

Therapist

Communication

@May 4, 2022 1:18 PM (CDT)

, Impartiality

Impartiality means you don’t have an agenda for the other person. I trust you, you know what’s best. You have more data than anyone else - I want to explore your data with you
VIEW conversation: I notice I’m trying to fix you and I’m so sorry. Or.. I’m wanting you to be a certain way and I apologize for that. How do you feel about that? (Stating your agenda, I want to be valuable)
Instead of ignoring jhub’s novels — tell him what you believe: hey - I don’t have time to read books like this. Please write shorter. (this goes for anytime relationships repeat conversations or patterns)

@May 4, 2022 5:00 PM (CDT)

, Empathy

Empathy is being with someone else’s experience, without losing your own
Is this yours? People get lost in other’s experience all the time.
Recognize how others are feeling: I noticed you became distant, what turned you off? I don’t see you getting excited, what’s going on? What happened? How that going?

@May 4, 2022 8:00 PM (CDT)

The Lifestyle of an Artist

, Vulnerability

Vulnerability is your Truth + Fear
Types of vulnerability: Asking for what you want, Drawing boundaries, Expressing yourself in poetry or singing or…

publishing youtube videos of me reading my essays
What’s scary: video 1 take reading one of my essays and put online - what’s your story. Publishing notes no matter what - at times just highlighting what you find interesting

@May 3, 2022 12:20 PM (CDT)

I asked for a refund for the Connection Course. The universe presented the opportunity. I tried to join the call and the link was broken, DNS error. I emailed and texted Sarah who responded 15 minutes later. The groups already paired. And Sarah and I were one on one. I had to say what was burning inside me.

#PhraseToPlayWith

I said I was disappointed as I expected Joe to run the calls and I expected a bigger cohort, with lively energy. (What was too scary too say to Sarah was that I too wanted Mark to be running the groups. I wasn’t strong enough to say that. Sorry Sarah.) Sarah rewarded me with her kind face and understanding head nod.

Read this —

This morning, I also spent time with Read who’s deftly struggling (no work and fresh breakup). When I judged him, I told him. I was honest with that. Read taken back, shallowed, and thanked me.
A few nights ago, I told Emily my ex-girlfriend is still on my mind. She pulled me into her shoulder as I cried.
A week ago, Sally and I miscommunicated when she was only in town for 24hours. She wanted to hang. I wanted to hang. That was lost. I told her me sadness and anger. She told me her guilt. “I feel sad at our connection failure, and that’s okay.” “You feel sad at our connection failure, and that’s okay.:
… connection is found in disconnection. The moments of connection I yearn for are within the things I’m afraid to tell the other person.

@May 3, 2022 9:52 AM (CDT)

I yearn to write. Not log, not outline, not read. Write. But when I start - my mind freaks, I can’t do it again?
comfortable writing poorly

@May 2, 2022

helping Simone and Tommy move around the city

@May 2, 2022 10:09 PM (CDT)

Reviewing March Logs, I absolutely love this question: pay attention to what you notice and ask what do you see that others don’t?

@May 1, 2022